My problems today :
1) my head is filled with unorganized thoughts. I used to organize my thoughts on the piece of paper but now I have to use speech recognition on my computer because of my carpal tunnel. And speech recognition is not working that well due to many reasons , so I’m pieced off most of the time when I’m trying to dictate so it’s a poor substitution for paper, pencil and healthy hand.
I have no choice. I have to keep trying to organize my thoughts. Even though it is so much more difficult now. It takes more time. I just have to be patient. Do it little by little every day. Then my situation in general unavoidably should get better even if a little bit. It might make all the difference.
2) I feel defeated. I’m tired of the constant obstacles on the way to my recovery (if that’s what is going to happen , hopefully)
I have to motivate myself better. I have to picture to myself some future possibilities. Of course I should consider being easier on my health and include that in the picture. Because the picture should be real. But I should work on making it more appealing although still doable. I might need to change a profession. It is very painful because I love architecture but it’s very competitive field and requires a lot of work in graphic programs but I don’t have enough health for that. I have to suck it up , I have to be flexible.
3) I feel isolated. Most of people who surround me haven’t been in the situation as bad as mine for as long as I am in it. I’m tired of what people usually say , why do they necessarily need to comment?… If they don’t understand the first thing about my situation (I am recently having few health issues which made me change my lifestyle completely and now I am seriously questioning my future), about my health issues, and how it feels in my shoes. I can not here anymore any BS. I’ve heard too much of it from under qualified and lazy doctors before I finally was able to meet a good one , who, by the way is too busy to provide high quality service but at least he doesn’t say BS and doesn’t try to suggest how I should live my life. (In my country the quality of medicine is very low, and this somewhat political question, for good quality you’d have to go abroad). So by now I have zero tolerance for BS even when people mean well when they say it. I wish I could just ignore that part of my relationships with people who were close to me before. As a result , I created more barriers between me and other people.
I don’t have an answer for this one yet.
4) I feel very bitter and angry. I’ve got really nice diplomas , and I’ve worked really hard for it. I’m crazy about my profession and I was completely identifying myself with it. But because of my current health situation I should rethink what I should do for a living. It all started from one little health issue. And then I just found out firsthand about low quality medicine in my country. There were few doctors mistakes , there was unability to identify early symptoms, and there where again some significant mistakes made by doctors which led to quite a few significant health issues. And now I’m screwed. And cannot really punish anybody who’s responsible as I need all my energy in order to try to resolve somehow all this mess which is my life now. Much of what they did is very hard to prove. I would need a lot of money for a good lawyer. It’s very bad for health to try to prove that they harmed you (if there is not enough prove) because in this case subconsciousness is just going to make you sicker trying to prove how unwell you are. I’ve heard about cases like that. So it’s just better to move on and hope that karma exists. As about letting bad doctors practice by avoiding suing them… It’s hard for me to imagine how good doctors can exist in my country at all. OK we’ve got free Medical Service with underpaid and unmotivated doctors. We’ve got also some commercial little clinics which do not thrive either because of the policy of the state.
I barely have energy already for dealing with my health issues so I should just forget about any revenge and focus on my live only and try to survive. I don’t owe anything to anybody (except for my parents)